Sometimes I wonder about other people's lives. Like how do some people have such energy? Or such creativity? Or such discipline and responsibility? I feel like such a slob and I just don't know how to kick that on-switch in me to make me start getting better.

Sometimes I feel like a failure.

But lately, I've been trying to take it as inspiration to do better. I think I'm slowly getting more positive. I hope I am.

Unfortunately, I think I'm also starting to sound more and more like a Hallmark card.

Sometimes I wonder if it's better to live with or without emotions.

If we didn't have 'em, we'd be super-efficient. We would work for work's sake and manage to go through all the motions and do them without complaint. Everything would be like clockwork, seamless and uniform. Sometimes I wish I didn't have emotions because I would be able to work like a Ferrari - all high-performance, efficient, speedy movement. I could be responsible to the core.

With emotions, there's both the good and the bad. Pain sucks. Depression and anxiety, anger and heartache, loss and loneliness. But then there's that rush of loving so freely and truly that you forget the world around you. Sometimes I wish I could have more feelings and rushes of emotion - I want to love and be loved and I want to smile and be smiled at and most of all, I want real dreams.

Is it too much of a paradox to ask for both responsibility AND dreams?

I hope not.

And I hope you're listening, God.